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Issues & debates

Global Warming: A comprehensive review

Written by Dylan Henty

Last time on the impending disaster review we tackled the classic fan-favourite: the Cuban Missile Crisis; and, although with a promising start, reviewers have said it ultimately failed to reach its full potential. Despite this, critics have said they’re very much looking forward to the sequel, which the newly-helmed teams behind the original, have teased may be dropping in the next few years. Despite vocal disappointment from fans surrounding its weak resolution, which left much to be desired, it ultimately came away with an impressive 3/5 rating — for sheer style and execution, If nothing else —leaving both Y2K and the invasion of Iraq, well behind with underwhelming 2-stars.

This time however, the more critically divisive ‘Global Warming,’ is already generating controversy. Despite several tantalising hints being dropped about what’s to come, the public is unsure of how to react: a poll conducted by our team seems to indicate that large swathes of people refuse to even accept its existence, an exciting development which we haven’t encountered since we reviewed the hole in the ozone layer, almost ten years ago (and those Holocaust deniers, but let’s just leave that review where it is, buried under multiple lawsuits and a great deal of embarrassment). 

So, what do our critics think? Well, let me tell you, the controversy isn’t just on the street, it’s here in our offices. Whilst compiling this year’s review, several employees did sadly have to be let go, with only some minor office-based rioting, and the one fatality. But hey, we’re nothing if not unprofessional, it was just an intern, so we didn’t feel it necessary to make any official complaints, or really tell anyone about it at all.

Despite heavy efforts from European circles, advertising for ‘Global Warming’ is not getting the attention or circulation some believe it deserves, and a comprehensive view of what’s to come, is nowhere to be found. Whilst this has widely been labelled the result of inept marketing strategy, some of our analysts believe it is actually a refreshing new take on public relations, ensuring that ‘Global Warming’ will be an even bigger surprise when it finally does arrive: comparing the artful execution to the handling of unforgettable past hits, such as the War on Terror.

Meanwhile, on the Western front, anti ‘Global Warming’ campaigns seem to be suggesting that if everybody keeps recycling and starts eating “more vegetables,” than the team behind ‘Global Warming’ will delay its release indefinitely. In response, critics are lashing out with arguments ranging from “you’re wrong” to “you’re very wrong”.

Reaching out to our American Correspondent, a renowned flat-earther and U.N. world-army conspiracy theorist, he reassured us that there was “no way the earth could warm up, because all the heat would just run off the sides, like the ocean does”. He added that that there would be a seat for us in his “spaceship to Valhalla when the rapture comes”. We don’t know about you, but here at the review team we’re very excited to see what Valhalla looks like.

So, in conclusion: what the hell is going on with this ‘Global Warming?’ How should I feel about it, and who should we blame? Well, we hate to say it, but we really have no idea. Maybe it’s just best to wait until it starts, and then pick someone. Of course, all that really matters is that we have a hell of a time choosing, and try not to worry about it too much. 

So, altogether we give ‘Global Warming’ an optimistic 4/5 stars, keeping in mind the distinct possibility of moving up a point, with predictions saying that with any luck, it should be truly unforgettable.

If we don’t see you next year, it got that extra star.

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